Personal experience is usually our greatest teacher.
As we ponder and
analyze life’s trials and experiences,
along with what wisdom we can
accumulate from others,
we are able to learn important and lasting
lessons,
change attitudes, and improve behavior—
all of which otherwise
might have gone unnoticed.
Many judge wrongly when they do not have all the facts
to base conclusions on. Offenses are usually not deliberate; but some
take an isolated incident out of a person’s life, and portray that
behavior as a constant behavior or attitude. We cannot know the
complete facts of the past history, thoughts, and intentions of those
either living or deceased. We usually judge others by their behavior,
and judge ourselves by our intentions. True charity is resisting the
impulse to judge others.
“Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold, the judge standeth before the door.” (James 5:9)
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what
measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” (Matthew 7:1-2)
“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” (John 8:7)
“If you judge people, you have no time to love
them.” (Mother Teresa)
"One sees clearly only with the heart. The essential in life is invisible to the eye." (The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
Separating the Offender and Offense
Too few of us differentiate
between the sinner and the sin, or the offender and the offense. Jesus
did not despise sinners; it was their sins he loathed. He practiced
forgiveness toward a woman who, by law, was to be stoned to death.
Christ certainly did not approve of what she had done, but he
demonstrated forgiveness, and left it up to his Father in heaven to
judge her.
“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” (John 8:6-11)
Be angry at the offense, not the
offender. Disappointing behavior should be considered as something
temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity. All offenders may be
redeemed by the atonement which promises complete forgiveness for every
sin, transgression, crime, addiction or habit. The atonement promises
to forgive, clean, and reclaim every individual who repents and obeys
the laws of God.
As a parent,
when your child’s behavior deeply disappoints you, do you withdraw love
when your child is most unlovable and needs love the most? Showing
genuine love for others does not mean we condone or approve of their
errors. Parents should continue to love and care for their children no
matter what they do. Parents can help instead of condemn, love instead
of hate, forgive instead of judge, build up rather than tear down, and
lead rather than desert their children.
In all relationships, we are dealing with imperfect people (parents,
children, spouses, in-laws, neighbors, friends, business associates,
etc.). It is not fair to expect perfection in others, when we cannot
offer it ourselves. Think of the beam in our own eye (Matthew 7:3), and
how much we need others to forgive us.
True charity is accepting people as they truly are,
along with their weaknesses and shortcomings. It is looking beyond
physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. Be
grateful that the Savior will always love us—even when we also fall
short of our potential.
Revenge is not an option. Never attempt to organize a campaign of
revenge to destroy an offender. Gandhi was right—if we all live by an
“eye for an eye” kind of justice, the whole world will be blind. Paul
taught, “…see that none render evil for evil unto any man.” (1 Thess. 5:15); and the Lord said, “Vengeance is mine.” (Romans 12:19) The Day of Judgment is coming, when all men will be judged, “every man according to their works.” (Revelations 20:13)
On that day, no one will escape the penalty of his deeds; and no one
will be denied the blessings he has earned. Although the loss of one
soul is a very real and great loss to God, there will be a total
judgment—by God himself.
“Thou
shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy
people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord.”
(Lev. 19:16-18)
Anger and contention are the opposite of love, creating enemies and hatred toward others. Solomon wisely said, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
Hating another person does not make that person suffer; instead, your
hate causes you further suffering. Hatred retards spiritual growth,
leaving no room for the Lord to put comfort into a heart full of hatred
and bitterness. If we are to obey the commandment of love, there will
be no contention or anger between or among us. We will not speak ill of
one another, but will treat each other with kindness and respect.
“Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)
Anger is a choice which
can fester and consume our thoughts unless we let it go. There is no
real healing in anger or revenge. It is only when we find the desire
and ability to forgive the past, that Christ can remove our pain, and
replace it with love.
An unforgiving heart can have a very lengthy and negative impact on our
physical, emotional, and mental health. The body may respond with
spasms in the coronary arteries as blood pressure rises, stress hormones
can surge, the body’s demand for oxygen can soar, and blood clots can
form.
Martin
Doblemeier’s research on the physical effects of forgiveness showed
that people who forgive enormous offenses are much better off than those
who hang on to even the slightest grudge. Other studies show that
people who are taught to forgive become “less angry, more hopeful, less
depressed, less anxious and less stressed,” which leads to greater
physical well-being. (“Learning to Forgive,” Fred Luskin, in Carrie A.
Moore, Deseret Morning News, Oct. 7, 2006, p.E1)
The poison of anger can rob us
of our social, mental, spiritual and physical health. Even if it
appears that the offender may be deserving of our resentment, none of us
can afford to pay the price of resentment, hate, depression, stress,
and diminishing health. Left unchecked, the habit of hatred and
bitterness can grow until it eventually consumes our life. Fortunately,
we can choose to have greater health and happiness instead of misery
and pain.
Contention
(including anger, gossip, slander, caustic comments, rudeness, hatred,
revenge, and bitterness) is the opposite of charity, and will destroy
love, trust and peace.
Remember where contentious feelings really come from,
and stand firm against them. John the Revelator taught that before we
were born, we lived in a pre-mortal existence as spirit children in
heaven, where Satan battled against God in a
“war in heaven.” Satan
did not prevail and lost that war; and as a result, he and those who
followed him were cast out of heaven for their rebellion.
“And
there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red
dragon…And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did
cast them to earth…And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his
angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,
And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.
And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil,
and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the
earth, and his angels were cast out with him.” (Revelations 12:3-9)
“Woe
to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! For the devil is come
down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a
short time…And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make
war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God,
and have the testimony of Jesus Christ.” (Revelations 12:12-17)
For thousands of years, Satan
and his followers have continued that same contentious war among men, a
war between good and evil. Today, they continue to work hard to
destroy the mortal and eternal peace and happiness of all those who once
fought to follow Christ and keep his commandments.
Satan influences our thoughts (Luke 22:3; John 13:2) in an effort to control or manipulate our behavior and actions.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he…” Proverbs 23:7
Satan has power to place thoughts in our minds; however, he does not
know whether these thoughts have taken root unless they are reflected in
either our words or our actions. Therefore, knowing Satan has no power
to control a person against his will, each individual is free to decide
which thoughts will occupy the present stage of his mind.
The purpose of life
is to find out the will of God, and prove to him that we will
obey him
in all things—including love and forgiveness—that we may receive
blessings now, and one day be worthy to return and abide in God’s
presence.
(Exodus 16:4; 20:20; Deut. 13:3) The day is not too far distant, when we will see the face of God and realize how familiar it is to us.
It is a sin to delight in the “deserved” suffering of others,
withholding love, acceptance, encouragement, praise, and forgiveness
from those who have offended us, feeling they do not deserve to be
helped or forgiven. Even those who pay for their wrongs through our
justice system need our forgiveness.
“Whoso mocketh the poor reproacheth his Maker: and he that is glad at calamities shall not be unpunished.” (Proverbs 17:5)
The greatest deterrent to a willingness to forgive may be pride—the opposite of humility.
After we have done all we can do for ourselves, the Lord wants to
deliver us from or strengthen and sustain us in our suffering, by
teaching us to become more humble, repentant, and righteous. Those who choose to humble
themselves can more easily receive help, comfort, a change of heart,
and the ability to let go of hatred, bitterness, resentment, and
revenge.
Pride is a very misunderstood sin,
and many are sinning in ignorance. Pride is far more than conceit and
arrogance. The central meaning of pride is
enmity (hatred or
opposition) toward God or toward our fellowman. Since the proud are not
easily taught, they do not receive counsel or correction easily. They
oppose God’s will, authority, and revelations in favor of their own
desires. The proud will not change their minds to accept truths,
because to do so implies that they have been wrong. Paul explained that
the proud
“seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21) Pride affects all of us
at various times and in various degrees. It adversely affects
all of
our relationships as it separates and divides people, destroying unity
and brotherhood.
The proud feel enmity
toward all others, constantly elevating themselves as they make
comparisons of intellect, opinions, talents, physical appearance,
possessions, reputation, righteousness, achievements, professions,
income, and anything else that can be measured against others. A proud
person hates the fact that someone is above him, because he thinks this
lowers his position. The proud depend upon the world to tell them
whether they have value or not. Pride says, “If you succeed, I am a
failure.”
Other forms of pride
which are common among us manifest themselves in the form of envy,
jealousy, selfishness, defensiveness, contention, gossiping, finding
fault, and withholding praise to avoid lifting another.
Being unforgiving is
a form of pride which can easily take hold in the heart of one who has
felt the sting of abuse, pain and suffering. Pride prevents us from
settling our differences with others, because the proud are easily
offended, hold grudges, and withhold forgiveness to keep another in
their debt and to justify their injured feelings.
The proud want sympathy
from others for the pain and suffering endured because of the choices
of others, over which they had no control. The proud want the offender
to experience similar pain for his actions. The proud do not want to
give
all of their pain to
Christ, because they are afraid to remove the evidence of their
suffering. They may also worry that God’s mercy may eliminate
sufficient punishment.
The proud desire justice
and restitution in order to have their reputation, respect, and honor
restored after a betrayal, because they care so much about what others
think of them. C. S. Lewis stated that,
“…it is very right, and often
our duty, not to care what people think of us, if we do so for the right
reason; namely, because we care so incomparably more what God
thinks.” The scriptures
give much evidence of the sin of pride and the severe consequences to
those individuals, groups, cities and nations who were prideful:
Pride caused the Pharisees to plot Christ’s death because he threatened their position. (John 11:53)
King Saul became an enemy to David through jealousy and pride. (1 Sam. 18:6-8)
Pride caused King Herod to kill John the Baptist to please the crowd. (Matthew 14:9; Mark 6:26)
Pride destroyed the city of Sodom. (Ezek. 16:49-50)
The proud will burn as stubble when God cleans the earth by fire at the end of the world. (Malachi 4:1)
“…only
by pride cometh contention…Pride goeth before destruction...”
(Proverbs 13:10; 15:10; 16:18; 28:25; Amos 5:10; Matthew 3:9; John
6:30-59)
“According to Christian teachers, the
essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride…Pride leads to every other
vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind… It is Pride which has
been the
chief cause of misery in every nation and every family since the world began…Pride
is spiritual cancer: It eats up the very possibility of love, or
contentment, or even common sense…Pride is essentially competitive…Pride
gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it
than the next man…It is the comparison that makes you proud: the
pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has
gone, pride has gone…As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A
proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course,
as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above
you…” C. S. Lewis,
“The Great Sin”The
first step to overcome pride and acquire humility is to honestly admit
our own moments of pride. Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in
others, but is rarely admitted in ourselves. We can greatly diminish our
pride by loving God and submitting our will to His (the only true gift
we have to give the Savior), working to love and serve others, and
forgive those who have offended us. Second, as we pray and study the
scriptures, we become better acquainted with God and more humble—the
opposite of pride. Then, we are better able to activate the Savior’s
atonement by asking God to help us let go of resentment and pride, love
and forgive others, and remain friends with the Lord and others.
“Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you…” (John 15:14-15)
Everyone chooses their own response when offended, misunderstood,
treated unfairly or unkindly, sinned against, falsely accused, passed
over, or hurt by those we love. Feeling hurt or angry is normal;
however, we can choose our response. We can choose to become resentful
and bitter and hold a grudge; or, we can try to resolve the problem,
forgive, and rid ourselves of that burden. Learn to partake of a
bitter cup (a harsh, disagreeable, painful, hard to bear, or hostile
offense) without becoming bitter.
True charity is resisting the impulse
to become offended easily. We, not the offender, are responsible for
our feelings—how we think, feel and act. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No
one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
In conclusion, we all attend the same School of Life
where we are provided countless opportunities to offend or be offended,
to experiment on one another, and to learn a great number of life’s
lessons, especially charity. As we interact with one another, we
eventually learn that to truly love someone is to see them through the
eyes of the Savior. If that leads to a desire to do our best to love,
forgive, and help others—that is charity.
It is helpful to remember
that most people are doing the best they can to deal with the
challenges which come their way. Imagine a world where people stop the
road rage on the path of life, and with great love and care, help others
in need along that path.